A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back