A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now


i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do


Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn


*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.


Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.


I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.


Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.


me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!