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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
yes… yes…
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.