HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.