Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

We know he can swim but…

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do