A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.