A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.