A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.