Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

good work, everybody

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”