A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Voting is the worst group project
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Couple goals
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
