A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Very good news from my accountant
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.