Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality