Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.