A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Husband of the year 😂
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday