A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
