Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.