A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
is nasa ok
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit