A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Truly one of the great bangers
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.