a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”