a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!