a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
No. He’s not coming out to play
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Liquor Store Parking
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
