Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

I try

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat