Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?