Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.