Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!