Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.