A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
What if the weather talks about us?