Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the h in mysterious.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Solving a traffic jam

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box