A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.