A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming