A baby bear catches snowflakes.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
