A baby bear catches snowflakes.
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.