A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“FRAAANCE!”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
SCARY COSTUME
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge