A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”