a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
You Might Also Like
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
my mind
You just read my mind
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
next question.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”