A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.