Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they really wanted me dead for this

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Beware of the dog..

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

mentally somewhere in italy

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.