Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.