A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
when unicorns get really drunk
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.