A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean