A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.