@Mister_Burnham

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

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@MartaEffing

I’m pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, ‘I’ll take a number two’, multiple times so she could laugh at me.

@Gupton68

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot

@DumbConfessions

Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”

@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.