A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me