Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

White parent Vs Arab parents

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Please do it!

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.