Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

this is what they would have looked like, though

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.