A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
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July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich