Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Potatoes were such a good idea

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns