a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Become ungovernable.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.