a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
reduce, reuse, recycle
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50