I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
water it, i dare you
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait