A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Somebody’s lying.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Life hack
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
