A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I’m too immature for adultery.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.