Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.