A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.