Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.