A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work