A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?