Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Rude much 😂😂😂

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it