Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

every olympics i turn into this guy

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.