A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you