A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.