@aparnapkin

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

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@lisaxy424

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

@bachelruckley

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

@jazmasta

They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@TheAndrewNadeau

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

@YuckyTom

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

@Dutch_50

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.