Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.