A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.