A bad analogy is like a cucumber
You Might Also Like
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
they finally got him. they got macavity
The future is now.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”