An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
A choir of Spring onions
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
me, too, girl. me, too.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?