A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”