a badder mouse
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Icarus loved hot wings.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.