Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hmm conte-me mais

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

I have no passwords left in me

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

guilty

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.