A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
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When he asks for feet pics
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
bro what is going on at twitter
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns