A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Dolls on drugs
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.