A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.