A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination