a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
the icebreaker
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.