Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

I am a gravy boat captain

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.