Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little toadstool has spoken.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower