Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

this site is so cooked lol

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke