@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

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@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@Cheeseboy22

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

@JB1971_

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

@ClichedOut

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?

Me: does your mustache keep you warm?

Coworker….

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

@DebraMuffin

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.