My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?
Me: does your mustache keep you warm?
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
How to be a white girl:
1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.